


Dick in a Box

by Mattycakes



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is messy, Crack, Fluff, Humour, M/M, No beta we fall like Crowley, Random & Short, aziraphale has a penis, but it's fine, severed cocks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:21:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29056614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mattycakes/pseuds/Mattycakes
Summary: Crowley is horrified to find what appears to be a severed cock in Aziraphale's bookshop, but it's fine, really. Aziraphale can totally explain. It's his.(No sex in this one, sorry. It's just short piece of crack I wrote for some awful, awful reason.)
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	Dick in a Box

Aziraphale was used to Crowley’s clumsiness by now, so when a loud crash sounded from the back room, he didn’t so much as look up from the book he’d been reading in the shop. When it was followed by Crowley’s blood-curdling scream, he was back there so fast he thought he might have teleported without actually realizing it.

“Oh dear,” Aziraphale said when he saw what had made Crowley scream. Or, he couldn’t actually _see_ what had made Crowley scream, since it was in a box, but it was a box that Aziraphale recognized, and remembered having set down on a pile of books somewhere sometime last night. The box was now in Crowley’s trembling hands, from where he sat on the floor among a good many scattered books, and he was staring into it with a horrified expression.

“Aziraphale, what the fuck is this?” Crowley asked shakily, tilting the box towards Aziraphale to show him the contents, although Aziraphale already knew them quite well. 

“Yes, about that,” Aziraphale said a little awkwardly. “I should explain, I suppose.”

“You think?” Crowley unsteadily got to his feet. What was most unsettling, Crowley thought through the haze, was that the…. _thing_ … was pink and… _alive looking_ , Crowley’s brain reluctantly supplied. Which meant Aziraphale had either preserved it, for whatever horrible reason, or... it was a very _recent_ acquisition. 

“Aziraphale, whose is this?” Crowley asked nervously. 

“Oh, don’t be silly, it’s nothing like that,” Aziraphale said quickly, “It’s mine.”

For a few moments, Crowley could only gape as his brain struggled to accept this information. “Yours,” he repeated numbly.

Aziraphale fussed with his hands. “Yes, I um, I thought the time had come for me to work on completing my form. I have always been curious about sex, and well, there’s no reason for me not to try it now. ” Aziraphale blushed and looked down demurely, then suddenly looked up and met Crowley’s gaze heatedly, silently promising with his eyes what they’d both always known; that their eventual coupling was inevitable. “I wanted to get it just right before, we… I mean, before I tried it out.”

Crowley was unable to resist imagining Aziraphale hunched over a desk with his little black glasses, painstakingly altering the details of a detached dick by lamplight as if he were painting a Faberge egg. Now that Crowley brought himself to look closer, he noticed how well matched it was for Aziraphale. Plump and rosy, with a light dusting of hair as blonde and soft-looking as the curls of Aziraphale’s head.

Crowley realized he was blatantly staring at it, blushed, and snapped his head up. “Oh. Shit. Sorry. I, uh, tripped before and…”

Aziraphale waved his hand. “It’s fine. I shouldn’t have left it lying around. Probably lucky you reminded me it was there before a customer knocked it over.”

Crowley let out a laugh. That wouldn’t have gone well.

Just then, a crash sounded from the front end of the bookshop, followed by a scream. Aziraphale’s face fell. 

“Oh dear,” he said just as more yelps and screams emitted. “I believe that was where I left the other model.”

**Author's Note:**

> (Yes the unfortunate customer knocked over the box where Aziraphale was keeping his cunt. Which made me go like, how do you even keep a cunt in a box? Which lead to a weird google binge but also a different story I'll post later, woo)


End file.
